So many people keep blogs about their sobriety and I like to read what’s out there. I thought I would contribute, who knows if anyone will read it, but I will enjoy writing. Get some practice for my JK Rowling-style book series that will make ME a billionaire.
At my favorite coffee shop right now. Listening to some kind of upbeat millennial rock music. I am high as fuck, as it helps with going through the downs of healing from alcohol. I had begun dancing to myself in a chair but halted, a little embarrassed, as a memory jostled upward to the surface of my mind from it’s subconscious recesses:
There was a bar I frequented in Milwaukee when I lived in Riverwest. It was 43 steps to my apartment building. I spent a lot of money there, and got to know the bartenders. I had partied with them after hours, and I felt comfortable getting shitfaced inside it’s cozy, wooden, tavern-style interior, that in TWO separate instances, I was cut off by two DIFFERENT bartenders who I had never met before. One time it was because I was absentmindedly dancing to myself. I didn’t tip the bartender as revenge.
At the time, I was so mad about getting cut off! I was THAT entitled to get as drunk as I wanted and do whatever I wanted. Well, with apologies and charm, I ended up befriending one of those bartenders and he let me get drunk, whenever I wanted.
I think about that woman and I feel embarrassed. I was so lonely and miserable in that city. I became hateful, mean, and drunk, like everyone else.
Amazingly, I did quit drinking for a grand total of 6 weeks with the intention of building a better life and losing weight. It didn’t last, and 2 years later, I am attempting to quit drinking again. I think that it feels so much easier this time around because I can see more of a 360 degree view of my life, which includes:
Understanding why I did what I did in the past, appreciation for my present life, and a very solid vision of my future.
I’ve had healing, that’s why. My story is long, full of anxiety and endless searching to fill a hole. Maybe one day I will go into it, but the short version is that PTSD stole my life.
We are all sensitive beings and there is so much sickness out there. I envy people who have hardly felt anxiety in their life. However these issues are becoming bygones for me and I finally don’t have time to worry too much about my past.
I’ve found the key to my suffering which has unlocked a life of abundant hope for the future, self-appreciation, and a blossoming self-worth. A person who is not treated like shit by men, who knows how to set boundaries and find enjoyment when sitting at home alone. A strong person, a person who is ready to make a great big leap into life without poisoning herself every day.
Here I go.